You may have read books like the “The 7 Spiritual Laws of Success” by Deepak Chopra, or “The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People” by Stephen R. Covey, or “The 10 Keys to Personal Power” by Brian Tracy.
Included here is The Checklist of 15 Questions To Answer YES to for Cultivaitng a Healthy and Fulfilling Relationship.
You may notice that there are a few more to this list than those listed above. For anyone who has had the courage to enter into and the stamina to maintain a deep, committed relationship, you know that they not for the faint of heart, for as profoundly deep, passionate and immensely fulfilling as they can be, they are also the most multifaceted and at times challenging things we will encounter in our lives.
Those who feel that their “picker” is not as finely honed as they would like, as well as those who would simply like to feel more fulfillment in their relationships can use this checklist. Whether you are already in a committed relationship, or contemplating one, I invite you to look at this checklist along the way to see which questions are answered with a Yes, and which receive a No.
One should know that this list is based on the following assumptions:
That both participants
o have the same or complimentary definitions of love and what committed relationships are
o are able to love and allow love in, and
o have a firm grasp on how to, and the courage to, work on their own personal issues
These may seem a given for many, but you would be surprised how often people slip up here. Some assume that others feel love as they do and that others are open to loving and being loved as they are. Those of you who have survived a “if it doesn’t kill you, it will make you stronger” relationship will attest that these are not a given.
So, how do you find out if someone’s definition of love matches closely to yours? How do you know if their definition of a committed relationship is complimentary to yours? How do you know if they are truly open to loving and being loved? By patiently living into these questions, and taking time to get to know your potential partner. Remember, generally speaking, one does not begin to know someone until they have been consciously in a relationship for six months, to get to know someone well, about a year.
As far as working through personal issues, if one is not have the courage, knowledge and a support system to work through personal issues, one is likely to get tripped up or stuck in an issue. These issues will often affect the relationship in some manner and in time.
The Checklist of 15 Questions to Answer YES to for a Healthy and Fulfilling Relationship:
1. Are we both interested, willing, attainable and wholly available?
2. Do we have similar and compatible levels of consciousness and intelligence and spirituality, and comparable appetites for personal growth?
3. Are we taking time to get to know each other, and us?
4. Are we from the same tribe?
5. Do we meet each other in ways that are fulfilling and nurturing?
6. Do we share with each other wholeheartedly and with authentically?
7. Are we included in each other’s lives?
8. Is our sexing not only hot, but also intimate?
9. Do we have honest and effortless communication?
10. Do we respect each other?
11. Are we inspired by each other?
12. Are we passionate for each other?
13. Are our visions of and are our individual commitments to our relationship in alignment?
14. Are our long-term visions and life goals congruous?
15. Are we both healthy, happy and fulfilled being in relationship together?
Or, do these questions feel more familiar?
o Am I rushing forward to make him/her the one?
o Am I projecting that he/she is available and has the qualities I desire?
o Is there a gap between what I am projecting and what is actually being presented?
o Am I justifying him/her or us to my friends?
o Am I feeling for him/her?
o Am I compensating for what is missing in the relationship?
o Am I frustrated by his/her circumstances?
o Am I sacrificing my health, happiness and well-being to be with him/her? Or, is the relationship leaving me feeling depleted?
If while in relationship one is not feeling fulfilled, at least one of the 15 Questions is likely not being answered with a Yes. For those questions that have been answered a No to, it is time to get to work. It is a well-known fact that if each partner takes 100% responsibility for the relationship’s success, the relationship will have a greater chance of succeeding.
For further clarification, below is more detail on a few of the questions.
1. If this question is answered with an equivocal YES, then relationships have a greater chance of succeeding. If answered with a No, I recommend reconsidering the relationship.
2. If partners do not have similar levels of consciousness, intelligence and spirituality, then they will likely have to work harder at having a deep relationship. I am not saying it is impossible, just more challenging…unless depth is not something you are looking for.
4. “Tribe” – the group, and the qualities that the group embodies, where you are most comfortable being your self and where you feel most inspired and supported.
5. “Meet” – as in interact and respond.
8. See Important Notes below.
9. There are many books written and seminars given on effective communication and how males communicate differently than woman. If you have not explored this arena, I highly recommend that you do, especially if this question was answered with a No.
Some of you will ask, “What about the chemistry?” Or, have some of you found yourselves saying, “I met someone of feel real chemistry with.” “I feel as if they are my soul mate.” “Our sexing is so powerful it must mean we are meant to be together.” “It feels so intense with this person, it must be love.” Listen up! Yes, you may feel these things, and yes, the feelings are real, but have you ever heard the saying, “Don’t believe everything you think.” Well, I would also say, do not believe everything you feel…at least not until you get to know your partner.
Remember these two things:
1. Chemistry is memory.
2. Be clear on the difference between intensity and intimacy.
Pheromones play into what generates attraction, but if one feels chemistry, it is usually means one or two things: 1) who they are reminds you (or is the antithesis) of the patriarch/matriarch in your life, and/or 2) You have known them before and are “remembering” that you have unfinished business to continue or complete. This holds truth if you believe in the past life theory. If you do, or if you don not jibe with past lives, know that strong feelings right off the bat may or may not indicate the possibility of a successful relationship. Acknowledge and appreciate the familiar feelings, and still use the checklist to discover the highest possibility for your relationship.
Many confuse intensity and intimacy. They assume that if it feels intense, it must be good and right. Not necessarily! Feeling intense may be the result of many things. It could be that you have chemistry (see #1); it may be that you want something so much that you believe he/she has what it takes to create a meaningful relationship; it may be that there is a potent lesson (pleasurable or challenging) to be learned and your intuitive self is attempting to guide you to a situation that will help you lean it. It could be all of the above.
Intimacy is the doorway to a fulfilling relationship. I define intimacy as: making one’s self utterly visible and available to another; living in the invitation for your partner to relate with you in the same fashion; to be splayed open. Many avoid this because it can be scary to live there, especially early on in a relationship. Though make no mistake, if you and your partner can meet each other in this way, the sensorial intensity that many incessantly seek will pale in comparison to the fulfillment and depth derived of your true intimacy. And trust me, intimacy cultivates plenty of sensorial intensity…but that is another story for another blog entry.
There are many books and seminars on how to create and sustain intimacy, and in time I will add one to the mix. If you do not know how intimacy is achieved, I highly recommend that you find a teacher or method that will open the door for you.
May you have relationships that surpass your wildest dreams and deepest desires!