Because of my own experience and the fact that I write a lot about saving marriages, I’m actually asked this question quite a bit. Wives seem to think that the second the husband walks out of the door, all is lost and the marriage is officially over. The truth is, a husband leaving or moving out does not need to be the end game. Even the finalizing of a divorce is not necessarily the end of the marriage. We all know couples who divorce and end up remarrying down the road. The truth is, as long as there is one party who is willing to work on rescuing the marriage and the relationship, there is certainly a chance. The fact that you are researching this topic proves that you are that person, so let’s get started. To save a marriage, you really need to convincingly do a few things, which I’ll explain in this article.
The first thing that you’ll need to do to steer your husband back toward home is to check your own negative feelings. If you are hostile, belittling, and argumentative, or if you are wanting to question, debate or are repeatedly asking for reassurance, you’re only going to promote more negative feelings and your husband is only going to want to steer clear of you.
Yes, you absolutely have a right to your feelings and to have your questions answered. I know this is a difficult time, but there is the best time and place for everything and if your marriage is in trouble, it’s not usually a good idea to continuously discuss or draw attention to what is wrong. Always remember that if you want to get your husband back, you absolutely need for him to feel positive feelings when he thinks of or interacts with you. He can’t do this if there is a great deal of tension or anger that is always present when you are together.
Next, I want you to think back to when you were first dating. Then, I want you to pinpoint the qualities within you that your husband first fell in love with. Many people will make the mistake of saying looks or chemistry here. While a physical attraction is often an element of “falling in love,” it is often not the only one or even the most important. Actually, it is a symptom or by product of the feelings that you are eliciting in your partner.
Most people “fall in love” because of the feelings that the other person is able to bring out in them about themselves. In other words, a man will deeply love a woman who can make him feel alive, intelligent, capable, and attractive. This is what leads to the “sparks” and “chemistry.” This often has less to do with physical appearance and more to do with your open heart, attentiveness, sense of humor, and caring deeply about your partner’s happiness.
Whatever qualities you’ve identified as most important to your husband, ask yourself how often you’ve shown them to him lately? The answer is probably not enough. In any event, today and in the future, you need to now show those positive qualities to your husband every chance you get while maintaining your dignity and self respect.
I know what you are probably thinking – that your husband has moved out, so how is going to see these qualities now? Well, first, if you’ve let go of your negative feelings and have committed to only showing the best version of yourself, this should help your cause quite a bit. If your husband knows he doesn’t have to be afraid of a confrontation or a negative experience, he’s likely to be much more receptive to you.
Next, if your husband is absolutely not receptive to communicating, then I want you to agree with him. Yes, look him right in the eye and say “you’re right.” I know this sounds risky, but it really isn’t for a few reasons. First, it will greatly reduce the tension. If you indicate that you love and will miss him very much but agree that you could both use a break to work on yourselves, you are no longer a threat to him and there’s no huge reason to avoid you. And, you don’t appear needy, desperate or unattractive.
The next step then is really, legitimately getting out and doing those things that make you happy. Visit friends. See movies. Go to concerts. Do whatever it is that puts a genuine smile on your face. Not only will it make you feel better, it will likely peak your husband’s interest. He’s likely going to wonder what is up with you. And your happiness will contribute to the positive feelings that you can demonstrate to him.
If you’ve done all of the above and he’s still just not communicating or playing along, understand that you will have to take baby steps here. You may have to “run into him unexpectedly,” remember that he “forgot” something he may want returned, or need to “discuss” a legitimate issue with him.
However, you need to use extreme caution here and make sure enough time has passed so that you aren’t being obvious about this, that you’re genuinely emotionally ok, and that your won’t appear desperate or needy. If your husband suspects your actions aren’t genuine or you are game playing, he’ll likely resist you more.
The bottom line is that his leaving can actually be a positive thing. This gives him time to miss you and want to return to what you shared. And, when he does think of you, you want him to do so with a smile. This is why it’s so very important that you make restoring positive feelings and experiences your highest priority, without being overtly obvious about it and without giving your power away. Resist any behaviors that would elicit negative behaviors or portray you in a negative light.