6 Reasons There’s So Much Conflict in Relationships

#1: They try to fix each other’s feelings. And here is the six reasons so much conflict in relationships.

6 Reasons There's So Much Conflict in Relationships

There are many things that make people unhappy. But being in a romantic relationship with a lot of conflict has to be one of the worst or unfavorable.

Unfortunately, due to subtle influences like cultural pressures, many people in high-conflict relationships are in denial. They are admirably motivated to “make the relationship work.” But they really don’t understand why there is so much conflict and pain despite their best efforts.

If you want less conflict in your relationship, you can learn to see the root causes, many of which are psychological.

Whether you’ve been married for 40 years or have been dating for 4 weeks, you can create a more fulfilling and intimate relationship by learning to see and confront the true causes of your conflict.

1. You try to fix each other’s feelings good

No matter how it painful, emotions like sadness or anxiety are not problems.

When someone we love is in pain, it’s natural to want to help them feel better. The problem is that when you treat someone’s feelings as problems, you invalidate them. It makes them feel bad for feeling bad.

Of course, how your partner feels is ultimately their responsibility, is not yours. But you can help them more by letting them know that it’s okay to feel whatever they’re feeling instead of trying to fix it.

Painful feelings are not problems to fix; They are experiences to validate.

Unfortunately, most of us grow up learning that it’s not okay to feel bad, that if we feel bad, we’re bad. And what is even more tragic, this belief is reinforced in adulthood when the people around us treat our feelings as if they were problems.

Get in the habit of reminding your partner that it’s okay for them to feel what they feel. When you do, you’ll find that you have much less conflict and more intimacy than you ever thought possible.

2. You don’t know how to only listen

One of the main reasons people have conflict in their relationships is that they can’t shut up when the other person is talking.

For example:

When your partner criticizes you for something, you instantly get defensive and start listing the reasons why you are right and they are wrong. It takes a lot of humility and patience, but you can just listen and try to see if there is any truth to what they say.

Best 5 Things I Wish I Had Done Before Getting Married

Here is another example:

Your partner describes how bad they feel and you give them advice and suggestions on what they should start doing differently to feel better. On the other hand, you could reflect on how you yourself might have been in a similar position at some point.

Whatever the case may be, you would have much less conflict in your relationship if you practiced shutting up and just listening.

People in pain often want connection more than solutions.

Do not make the mistake of assuming that more information is always the solution. When your partner is in pain, they probably just want to feel like you care and that they are not alone.

3. You avoid talking about how actual you feel

6 Reasons There's So Much Conflict in Relationship

I get it: It’s hard to talk about how you really feel, especially if what you’re feeling is painful or embarrassing. Also it’s even harder to talk about how you feel if you have a history of being shamed or attacked for it in the past.

But none of those change the fact that you can’t build more intimacy and trust in your relationship without being willing to talk about how you feel.

You will always feel lonely in a relationship if you can not express how you really feel.

If you actually believe that it is, and always will be, unsafe to express your feelings, maybe you shouldn’t be in that relationship at all. But if there is even a chance that things will get better, both partners need to start confiding their feelings in each other.

So sit down, talk about it clearly, and commit to respecting each other’s feelings every time they express themselves.

4. You quietly resent each other

Resentment is a powerful source of conflict in relationships. And it’s especially powerful when you insist on keeping quiet about your resentments and never admitting them.

I Still Think About My Affair Partner | Is That Wrong?

But here’s the deal: your resentments will come out one way or another. And if you’re dishonest with your resentments as well as feeling resentful, it’s very hard to get over them.

The first step in overcoming resentment is being willing to acknowledge that it’s even there.

There is a lot of pressure to make relations work. Or at least to make it look like they’re working. Unfortunately, insisting that an unhealthy relationship look healthy all the time is a serious way to make it worse.

It’s hard enough working through resentments with others. But it’s almost impossible if you’re not honest with yourself.

5. You light up each other

Gaslighting is when you imply that whoever is crazy for thinking or feeling what they do.

And while gaslighting often takes extreme forms (manipulating someone into thinking they’re literally losing touch with reality), it’s much more common in milder but not necessarily less toxic forms.

For example:

  • Every time your spouse mentions that he feels anxious about his boss at work, you roll your eyes.
  • When your partner talks about how angry they feel, you list four reasons why it doesn’t make sense to feel angry.

The problem is that when we have a habit of cheating on our partners, we contribute to making them feel insecure. And when people feel insecure, they become defensive. And defensiveness only leads to the more conflict.

No matter how illogical or pointless your partner’s feelings seem to you, remember this:

The fact that they feel bad does not drive them crazy.

The next time you say something about how you feel that seems obviously irrational or absurd, try this:

Well, I can see why you would feel that way.

6. You have different values ​​(but you can’t admit it)

Six Reasons There's So Much Conflict in Your Relation

When you first fall in love, it feels like you and your partner are on the same side with everything.

But as we all know, those early feelings can be misleading. And couples often find themselves years into a serious relationship and on very different pages about the most important things: political views, parenting philosophies, religious preferences, etc.

And when you have major disagreements about your values, conflict is likely to occur. By chance, this does not have to be the case…

Different values ​​don’t have to be a deal breaker, but you’ll never know if you can’t support them.

There are many examples of happy couples who have wildly different values ​​in certain areas. The difference is that they are usually incredibly transparent about those differences.

Because here’s the thing: You’ll only be able to navigate major value differences if you have a deep empathy and understanding of your partner’s beliefs and worldviews. But you can’t do that if you can’t admit that there are real differences between the two of you!

Have the courage to be open about your own values. Because only when you are honest can real understanding and empathy happen.